Nostalgia is at it again. This time I’m thinking back to when men would approach me while I was still “with” the ex-guy. Of course, I didn’t oblige, nor was I remotely interested (at least, not then) so I was shutting them down left, right and center.
- “I have a boyfriend.”
- “I’m in a relationship.”
- “I’m involved.”
- “I’m with someone.”
But what dawned on me today was what exactly was behind the emotion, action and causes of my responses.
While most women are swooning over their beaux and are proud to express that they are “spoken for,” my feelings were quite different. I was apprehensive and sometimes even embarrassed to respond the way I did, but what else could I say?
I wasn’t married. I wasn’t engaged. Frankly, I didn’t have anything but a promise from the man who ruled my heart that my status would change…someday.
The worst part of the interaction came after I disclosed my “situation” to the gentleman at a soiree, the guy on the subway train or the “shawty on the corner” who would often go on to ask me, “Well, where’s the ring?”
Oh, the shame!
These men were doing way more than “running a game.” They were genuinely perplexed. Like children, men sometimes say the darndest things…or the truth slips out without a second thought.
All I could do to deflect each man’s attention wasbat my eyelashes,flash a pretty smile and high-tail it out of there as fast I could.I turned into the Roadrunner because what his question insinuated was true – I was being taken for a ride.
A man thinks: “Hot girl doing the damn thing and no one has scooped her up?” Then moments later, the thought:“There must be something wrong with her.”flashes across his mind.(Don’t get me started on men who have the nerve to think that if a beautiful, accomplished woman – when at a certain age – is single, she must have some type of flaw or that she’s some type of psycho chick. Yes. This is how men think. I won’t go into that here because that’s a whole other post.)
However I’ll give those guys some credit, they were partially correct because something was wrong. I was in denial.
I AM A BOSS (Chick)… I have no doubt about it. I knew it and so did the men who approached me. Yet I was in denial about the reality of my “situation.”
It comes down to the definition of a word. But what do these words mean? What is a boyfriend? A partner? A relationship? These vague titles are confusing and utterly meaningless.
Apparently, I’m not the only one who questions the validity of these titles.As I combed the internet researching the definitions and history of these words, I ran across the following question posed on the website English Exchange:
“I’ve been together with my boyfriend for around 9 years now. There are times when I want to communicate that I am referring to someone who plays a major role in my life, like that of a husband, and “boyfriend” does not seem adequate.”
Nine years? She’s right, “boyfriend” is NOT adequate at all, and there’s no way to spin it. What exactly is the right title for an uncommitted, stringing-you-along-for-years, giving-empty-promises man you’re allowing to claim ownership of you and your poonani (yeah, I said it) without making the actual “purchase” (commitment by vows)?
I’d be ashamed to call him my “boyfriend” too.As I said earlier, when I was in the same situation, I was ashamed, too.She went on to say…
“To me, ‘boyfriend’ seems to signify a newer relationship, one that is still in the experimental phase.”
Wait a minute! So you KNOW you’re past the “experimental” stage? That would lead one to believe that this relationship is a sure thing…right? So why aren’t you married?
I am in no way referring to the exceptional circumstances where someone can’t get married legally for some reason. So please don’t go there in the comments. And if you don’t believe in marriage – this article is not for you,either. So carry on.
The situation I’m talking about is when there are no obstacles to marriage, when he’s the one and if he asked you tomorrow you would say YES without hesitation.
You see, this was the situation that I had been in. No wonder I was confused and ashamed about it. It had nothing to do with me and what I wanted but it had EVERYTHING to do with what I was allowing to keep happening to me.
I was allowing myself to be committed to something that was not real, like social media. My “relationship” was a series of facades, inspirational quotes and 15 sec “Boss Life” clips. I was just pretending.
Significant others and boyfriends are not real. They are just another form of denial of the truth. This “situation” was just something I was allowing because I was comfortable with it I was being given and lacked the confidence or boldness to demand more.
This experience simply confirmed my decision to revert back to – and to stand firm in – my NO DATING policy (more to come on my NO DATING philosophy soon in an upcoming post).
SIDEBAR: I believe there’s a simple process to marriage:
Everything else is NOT REAL it is just a set up for failure.
•Friendships – when discerned and vetted properly – are real.
•Courtship – when a man verbally states his intention and seals it with the materialsymbol, the ring – is real.
•Marriage – when two people genuinely commit to each other and make vows and a covenant before, and with God – is real.
Oh and if the end game is NOT marriage…then what are you in it for? Emotional distress? Heartache? Just for sex? Right…I believe you. :-/
But let’s get back to the matter at hand – everything else outside of these three areas is just not real. It is denial and your refusal to face the truth.
When a man is ready, it’s not a difficult decision. He simply commits. When he’s not sure, he delays. When you’re not the one, he delays until the right one comes along.
(You know who I mean, that dude you dated for 14years, the father of your three “out of wedlock” children – and I’m being nice. You know, the one that, after you broke up, got married a year later? Yeah, that one.)
Even women who are engaged allow this to happen. The ring is just one of the steps to solidifying a marriage. Engagements are (typically) ONE YEAR long, not 3, 5 or 10 years long. The longer the engagement, the more YOU depreciate in their eyes. Extended engagements are nothing but a man delaying making a decision.
And we, as women, instinctively know these things – it’s one of our super powers. Yet we choose to spend nine years (or even more)wallowing in denial because it’s comfortable or because we fear the unknown. Well, exploring the unknown is part of what makes you a BOSS…
We resort to flashing smiles that hideour shame and spending our time capital Googling ways to cleverly introduce our “non-husband” when all we have to do iseliminate our bad investment – the onethat gives us no ROI – by truly being the BOSSwe proclaimto be.
We have to pack it up and move onfrom this stage of denial. When it comes to our worth, it’s time we started making decisionsthat complement our BOSS CHICK status.We must make room for the men who see the value in us and will put the ring on our finger and the vows where their mouth is.
It’s time to tell that delaying, non-husband that his services are no longer needed. Or in BOSS CHICK words: “Honey, you’re fired!”